Dear Ed

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Dear EdDear Ed,

I purchased a can of baked beans and found to my amusement that it was labelled ‘Suitable for vegetarians’. This is definitive proof that meat-eaters are superior beings! After I picked myself up off the floor, I tried to think of the last time I bought a piece of meat labelled ‘Suitable for carnivores’. Don’t get me wrong, I’m fine with people going all paleo and wanting to wear loincloths (or even lion cloths, if they insist, provided they’re not at the zoo) and live on nuts and berries, but does everything have to be labelled ‘contains nuts and berries’ just so some tiny segment of the population has a clue about what they’re eating? It just befuddles my mind. Must go, I ate too much toast and the brain fog descends early this time of year.

Yours,

Iris Blur

 

Dear Iris,

I believe the anti-discrimination law is being amended, making it illegal to slander vegetarians, vegans, raw foodies, nude foodies, pegans and paleo devotees, as well as anyone intolerant to wheat, nuts, sugar, cow milk, food additives, crustaceans, tree nuts, groundnuts, nightshades, eggs et cetera. (And while we’re on the topic, did you know dust mites contain the same allergens as crustaceans? So if you can’t eat oysters, best get a super-cyclonic vac and keep a close watch on the use-by date of your pillow.)

Where was I? Oh, food choices. Well, we all have choices. Being a card-carrying member of the Food Afflictees’ Club (FAC), I’m extremely grateful that a tiny segment of the population is allowed to have a clue about what they’re eating. My particular bête noir is wheat. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Just don’t eat flour, or anything made from flour or anything with binders or fillers made from flour. Which pretty much cuts out all processed food. And that’s when you realise that the Western diet is basically one big wheat-fest.

However, I’d say the labelling laws don’t go far enough, especially when it comes to country of origin, where ‘Product of’ is often a euphemism for ‘Imported into and repacked in’. We need better labelling laws rather than singing the dubious chorus of ‘food security’ and putting our hands over our eyes, thinking products are clean and healthy just because they come in familiar packaging.

Anyhoo, that’s my garbled two cents’ worth. Such good value for money – you might as well read the column again and save yourself four cents.

May contain traces of facts,

Ed