Dear Ed …

Dear Eddeared

What does it mean to say you 'ostrich-eyes' someone? For example, 'Helen ostrich-eyesed Dave because his beergut hung over his shorts'. Does it mean there was something wrong with Dave's shorts?

Frank Pratt


Dear Frank

Why don't you get a life and stop writing to me? It's clearly evident from your quote that Helen thinks Dave is a bit of all right, and that's why she's making ostrich-eyes at him. Blind Freddy could tell that Helen's impressed with Dave's good posture (oh, all right: he probably had a physique once upon a lifetime, before gravity and fermented wheat took over and started a kind of Gondwanaland drift to the south), and the cut of his shorts, which are most likely Stubbies, quite possibly faded green ones. His shirt is probably sponsored by a multinational fermented wheat corporation with headquarters in a PO Box in a palm-treed tax haven, but he loves their logo and would like to see it on the national flag, right beside the southern cross. In fact, he is probably prepared to die for it.

The ostrich-eyes have it,